Mangolia

Moving away from the war with the yams, I would like to speak to you, the reader, of the great land Mangolia.

Mangolia, in Mangianity, is ultimately similar to the heaven described in other religions. It is the realm which Mangore graces with his prescence and where all is good and there exists no bad. If you have been a good person (or at least tried your very best as humans are all inherently evil), regardless of your religion, you will gain entry into the great realm of Mangolia. If you have been bad, you will go to the underyam...but that is another story which I shall speak of in later posts.

You stay in Mangolia for what is on earth, roughly one hundred years before you are re-incarnated via a hat sorting device not unlike that which can be found in the Pooter films. During these hundred years you will experience all the goodness and happiness of Mangolia which I shall now describe.

Mangolia is like a really nice hotel...everyone has their own little room with everything and anything that makes them happiest. There is really not much to the concept. What is described in the great Holy Mangle (book of Mangianity) are the grounds of the Mangolian hotel.

The ground of Mangolia is like a combination of Meringue (the stuff they put on baked alaska), vanilla icecream, marshmallows, and whipped cream. Every man gets his own little patch of land. Each patch comes with 75 mango trees, each one tended by 75virgins (hadoyalikemenow Islam?!). The sky is always the color of the most beautiful sunset you have ever seen, there are 3 suns of unimaginable beauty, and the carnival is in town every day. Also tits.

Interesting Development

Just now, a messenger from the people of the yams arrived in the village. He says the eggplant clan has turned on the people of the yams and that the only way any of us are to survive is if we form an alliance. He then proceeded to cry and beg for our help. This is the clan of the mango's official message in response to the Yamians' plea for help:

PEOPLE OF THE YAM:

THE CLAN OF THE MANGO SHALL, AT THIS POINT IN TIME, WITHOLD ANY FORM OF AID, PROTECTION, OR SUPPORT TOWARDS THE CLAN OF THE YAM. UNTIL SUCH A TIME WHEN THERE EXISTS A DIRECT AND SIGNIFICANT THREAT FROM THE EGGPLANTIANS, NO PACT OR ALLIANCE WILL BE FORMED BETWEEN THE TWO PARTIES. THE MANGONIAN DECLARATION OF WAR AGAINST THE NATION OF THE YAMS IS STILL IN EFFECT. PEACE WILL BE REACHED IF AND ONLY IF THE ORIGNAL TERMS OF WAR ARE REACHED. THESE TERMS ARE PROVIDED BELOW.

SINCERELY,

MICHAEL M. MANGOVE
BOARD OF MANGONIAN FOREIGN RELATIONS


Here is the original declaration of war, which I so carelessly left out in previous posts:


A DECLARATION OF WAR AGAINST THE PEOPLE OF THE YAM

WHEREAS THE IMPERIAL YAMINIAN GOVERNMENT HAS COMMITTED REPEATED ACTS OF WAR AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT AND THE PEOPLE OF THE CLAN OF THE MANGO; THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED BY THE BOARD OF MANGONIAN FOREIGN RELATIONS THAT THE STATE OF WAR BETWEEN THE CLAN OF THE MANGO AND THE IMPERIAL YAMIAN GOVERNMENT WHICH HAS THUS BEEN THRUST UPON THE CLAN OF THE MANGO IS HEREBY FORMALLY DECLARED; AND THAT HIS IMPERIAL MANGOJESTY BE, AND HE IS HEREBY, AUTHORIZED AND DIRECTED TO EMPLOY THE ENTIRE NAVAL AND MILITARY FORCES OF THE CLAN OF THE MANGO AND THE RESOURCES OF THE GOVERNMENT TO CARRY ON WAR AGAINST THE IMPERIAL YAMIAN GOVERNMENT AND TO BRING THE CONFLICT TO A SUCCESSFUL TERMINATION UNDER THE FOLLOWING TERMS. ALL OF THE RESOURCES OF THE COUNTRY ARE HEREBY PLEDGED BY THE NEWLY FORMED BOARD OF MANGONIAN WAR OF THE CLAN OF THE MANGO.

TERMS OF DEFEAT:

THE CLAN OF THE YAM MUST CEASE AND DISIST ALL PLANTING OF THE DISGRACED FRUIT

THE CLAN OF THE YAM MUST ADOPT MANGIAN AS ITS OFFICIAL RELIGION

THE CLAN OF THE YAM MUST ADOPT MANGORE AS IT OFFICIAL GOD

THE CLAN OF THE YAM MUST PLANT MANGOS

THE CLAN OF THE YAM MUST RESPECT THE AUTHORITY AND POWER OF THE MANGONIAN GOVERNMENT

THE CLAN OF THE YAM MUST RETURN ALL TERRITORY TO THE CLAN OF THE MANGO

ONLY UNDER THESE TERMS MAY THERE EXIST A STATE OF PEACE BETWEEN THE CLAN OF THE YAMS AND THE CLAN OF THE MANGOS.


REPSECTFULLY SUBMITTED,

MANNY M MARNGOS
BOARD OF MANGONIAN WAR

MOHN M MANGSTER
BOARD OF MANGONIAN FOREIGN RELATIONS

MEVEY M MASISTY
BOARD OF MANGONIAN FOREIGN RELATIONS

MATT M MGROSSANGO
MANGONIAN RESOURCES DIRECTOR

MELVIN M MANGORE
OVERLORD OF THE CLAN OF THE MANGO

Mangore! We salute you!

War with the Yam people: Day 1

Today there was a rather quick skirmish between several of our scouts and a small group of yam people led by 3 eggplant clansmen. Luckily, our men were armed with the new incindiary mangrenades and were able to defeat the enemy, who were only armed with yam-tipped spears, and in the case of the eggplantians, out-of-date hand guns. We thank Mangore for the victory.

It Begins

Today the war with the people of the yams reached The village of the Alphonso Mango. As of yet, there has been no actual fighting. The yam people have been smearing rotten smelly yams on the walls of our elementary schools and nurseries and think they are winning the "war". Our children have had great fun laughing at their stupidity and helping the adults re-plaster the walls.

However, there is some bad news. Just now, several of our spies arrived back in the village with news that another faction has entered the conflict: the eggplantians. These people truly are great warriors. Their reputation for ruthlessness and brutality is known far and wide. Our informants say their sympathy for the yam people stems from the fact that eggplants look a lot like yams that are simply purple, bloated, and not in the ground. We have nothing but respect for the clan of the eggplant. They are worthy truly worthy adversaries. We fight now not to destroy the worshippers of the disgraced yam, but for the honor of battling those who bow to the eggplant. Praise Mangore!

Land of the Yam: Day 3

The yam people are truly a primitive society. They have no clean water, electricity, or clay matresses. They battle not with guns but with spears and swords made of yams. These, as can be imagined, are not very strong. Yesterday, recently, they captured several of our tribes men. We watched and laughed as they tried to kill the prisoners with yams. Using their massive egos, they managed to fool themselves into thinking it worked and proceeded to drag the mangonians into a forrest which they regard as "the evil realm of the spirits". They left and the prisoners simply got up and walked away. Killing the worshippers of the disgraced fruit should not be difficult.

Land of the Yam: Day 2

Their strongest warrior is the one they call "Owkankow". He beats his wife the most, he eats the most, he grows the most of the disgraced fruit, and his ego smells with the stench of the behinds of ten cattle. He is truly the most atrocious thing I have ever set eyes on. "Owkankow" must be destroyed. I think I shall do it myself. Mangore shall make me invincible.

Land of the Yam: Day 1

The land of the yam is dirty and smelly. Everywhere we walk, we see tiny lumps where the spawn of the devil yams grow. Their village is tiny and primitive: small huts they call "oebies". They harvest the yams from morning to noon and beat their wives when they are tired as entertainment. For meals, they simply dig up the disgraced fruit and mash it in a dirty, moldy wooden cylinder and eat it with their hands. Occasionally they sacrifice to their "gods" a white missionary. These are truly barbaric peoples. May Mangore show no mercy on their souls.